Start Over

I am completely lost.

For the past three years, I have given, and I see no return for it. I used to have confidence in myself. I always kind of knew what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be. But all of that has been drained from me. From fighting for the little I now have, to surviving for too long, and, honestly, being misled.

I always had a plan and the will to carry on, but now I don’t.

I am lost. I am tired. I am confused. I am numb.

I no longer have the will to know, nor do I care.

I invested in getting better, but overall, I am worse off. I will give credit where it is due. I can see that some things no longer linger, so that is good. But did I invest all of this just to receive some type of partial recovery when I suffered on a magnitude that calls for full recovery?

I gave my all at my lowest, and my return is not worth it at all.

So, the ambitious girl is gone.

I don’t know where to go or what to do. I don’t have a dream like I used to. I always knew I wanted to do this, live here, become this. Even in relationships, I knew I was willing to try.

I am not anymore.

I don’t have excitement for anything. I don’t want a relationship that will cause me stress in my lowest moments. I don’t want to have to fight to have a place to live. For me, this is too basic for who I am asking it from.

I don’t want to have to fight to have my career when my career was uprooted from me. I allowed it because I believed I was following.

Now I don’t know what to do or how to do it.

Why?

You do for others so easily. But for me, it feels like a game. Complex, unnecessary turns and stops. I hate things like this.

Before this, it was hard. I came to you because it was hard. And you told me to come.

And now what?

Nothing?

Every promise?

Nothing?

I am helped. I see it, and I am thankful for it. But I will not accept a Band-Aid for my broken leg anymore.

I feel insulted. Heartbroken from the foolish relationships I allowed because I thought I was following you. The leaps I took because I thought I was following you. The lack I endured because I thought I was following you.

Now I am blank.

I don’t have the same light in my eyes. I don’t desire anything. I don’t hope for anything. I don’t plan a future.

Nothing excites me.

You allowed my soul to be disintegrated in every way possible. No category of my life was preserved.

Thanks a lot.

I will start over.

Even with you.

-Gem